Bat Caves: A Closer Look at a Disturbing New Trend For Drastic Covid-19 Avoidance
As Covid-19 continues to astonish the world and evade top scientists, increasing numbers of people are turning to more extreme measures to mitigate the damage caused to the communities worst affected.
One such solution that’s gaining traction in several rural areas is that people are choosing to be bitten by bats. This unanticipated tactic is not being used, as some originally thought, as a means for contracting the virus directly from the source and thereby trusting that early direct contamination might aid immunity, but in the hopes of being transformed into a vampire.
Woody Stoker is one such individual, who claims he got his inspiration from a colleague Darren (names have been changed for confidentiality), who recently became a vampire and left for the caves dotted throughout North Carolina’s Blue Ridge mountain range.
“I could hardly believe it myself. Like when I heard Trump suggest injecting disinfectants and knew that was cow turd, even though I do like the guy. But this was different because Darren was already showing strange signs. Like he seemed to have this insatiable lust for drinking blood instead of beer, which was how I first noticed something was up,” Stoker candidly spoke to The Times on March 21st.
“After I seen that, I realized I needed to do something. So I got to researching caves and found the perfect one for Darren. You’d be surprised how many things there are to consider. I helped him get all situated and then when I saw how well he was adapting to his new life, like hypnotizing insects at his will and moving super fast everywhere, I thought, ‘hell, if he can do it, so can I’ and that’s when I made the choice to become a vampire,” Stoker claims.
However, shortly after Stoker joined Darren, mayhem issued. Stoker and Darren were unable to fully integrate into the preexisting bat colony in the undisclosed cave and were shortly cast out into the cold. Without a suitable alternative like an appropriate castle or lair to invade, both tragically succumbed to hypothermia. Only Stoker would survive the ordeal. When The Times checked in with Stoker again on Sunday, he was still in the Mission Hospital in Asheville, much to the chagrin of nurses and doctors who are already under so much stress and have no experience treating vampires. New containment wards are now considered essential to hospitals and facilitates in order to mitigate the threat of a new vampires biting a human patient.
The Times has data that suggests around 4,000 similar cases exist for Americans making the switch from humanism to vampirism. “It’s frankly extraordinary,” according to Dr. Dermot Didling a professor of mythological creatures at Oxford University. “What people need to realize is that this is a very serious commitment and that there is no evidence to suggest it prevents patients from getting or transmitting Covid-19” Didling cautions. “There exists a myth that vampirism will make you immortal to everything, but all we know for certain is that it prevents old age, and as we’ve seen coronavirus affects more than just the elderly” Didling said via Zoom from his home in Oxfordshire.
In a further unexpected turn of events, Batman tested positive Monday morning for Covid-19 after relocating indefinitely to the bat cave back in early March. A source close to Batman, Mr. Ben French speaking via phone in Gotham City said, “it has absolutely terrified Batman’s enemies, which does have the surprising benefit of lowering calamities in Gotham for the time being.” Experts differ on whether or not Batman’s having bat DNA helped or hindered him when it came to contracting the virus himself. What’s even more uncertain is whether or not the bat cave was the right move for his isolation or if it’s possible Batman already had the virus prior to relocation. “It also needs to be made clear that Batman does not identify as a vampire himself,” French added during the call with The Times.
Nonetheless, such uncertainty and conflicting understanding of the nature of vampirism has not prevented thousands from seriously contemplating it. Therefore, The Times has collaborated with top speleologists around the world in order to provide readers with the most precise information on which caves are safe to inhabit if you are a new bat, please see The Times article “Top 10 Caves for First Time Bats.” The best caves in the world for new bats are ones that are quiet, off the beaten path, and with plenty of meaty animals or absent minded people to feed on nearby. However, until at least May 8th the CDC strongly discourages new bats and vampires from feasting on unsuspecting humans to prevent further spread of the coronavirus.